Creating an Anti-Burnout Culture

How do you create a workplace environment that actually energizes your team members rather than depletes them? How can leaders channel the power of feedback into a vibrant team that feels ownership of the company’s mission? And how do you implement processes and dynamics that are truly joyful—beyond “company culture”? 

In this article, we’ll discuss three ways you can create a workplace where everyone can shine rather than burn out.

• Why and How To Establish a Feedback-rich Culture

• Empower Every Team Member With a Sense of Purpose

• Replace Fun Culture With Energizing Culture

GOT FEEDBACK?

Have you ever felt as if you’ve been called into the principal’s office when someone tells you they have feedback for you?  The connotation around the word ‘feedback’ can often feel like this even though the idea of communicating truths back and forth is actually a very effective way of creating deeper connections, creative innovation and a culture in which people are thriving rather than burning out.  

Let’s take a look at what feedback really is.  

According to the Oxford dictionary, feedback is information about reactions to a product, a person’s performance of a task, etc which is used as a basis for improvement.  The key words here are ‘reactions to’.  When thought of in this way, feedback is merely self-disclosure about how one feels about someone else’s behavior, words, performance, etc. 

It makes sense that we would feel nervous about hearing how our boss feels about our performance when things aren’t going well.  But when we have created an environment in which feedback is given often and early, hopefully we have enough positive feedback credits in the relational bank account to be able to take a withdrawal once in a while.  

Feedback can also feel heavier and harder than necessary when power dynamics are heavily imbalanced.  In an environment where feedback is only given by those who hold more power (Ex: person who signs the paychecks, decision makers, etc) to those who hold less power (Ex: those who receive the signed paychecks, team members, etc), chances are that the environment is not one of innovation, connection and joy.  

Feedback must be two -way and establishing this as a leader can be tricky. Each of us has been told our entire lives that our “good” performance guarantees job and financial stability; whereas “bad” performance leads to becoming an outsider without ground beneath our feet. This narrative creates people-pleasers out of the best of us. We hold back our feelings and thoughts out of fear of judgment.  

This is especially true when that judgment is attached to the stability of our jobs.  

Creating an environment in which people safe and trust that their feedback will be heard and considered is more than just requesting feedback from others.  Here are four of many ways to cultivate the psychological safety necessary for people to give and receive feedback without feeling threatened.

1. When judgment is cloaked as feedback, there is no room for learning or even improvement.  Having and encouraging a growth mindset allows each of us to acknowledge what we know and don’t know while recognizing that we can cultivate new skills and learn and grow in new ways.  This awareness creates space for feedback as it becomes viewed as a way to grow rather than a threat.

2. As leaders, we often know the answers (or know what we want the answers to be) to many of the questions that come up. Resisting the urge to adhere to only what we know and opening up to other ideas that are different from our own shows our ability to welcome diverse thought and perspectives. Ask your team what the next step should be or how to engage that new audience.  You may be surprised at the gold mine you have been sitting on.
   

3. When you mess up (you will, I promise), own it. If you can show your team that you recognize your own humanity and are willing to be messy, they will follow suit. Owning your mistakes and being willing to be vulnerable with them sets an example and evens out the playing field a bit.  It’s a myth that many of us have bought into that leaders must show up flawlessly. This myth creates disconnect, imbalanced power dynamics and a very rigid culture.
   
   “The intimacy that arises in listening and speaking truth is only possible if we can open to the vulnerability of our own hearts. Breathing in, contacting the life that is right here, is our first step. Once we have held ourselves with kindness, we can touch others in a vital and healing way.”
   -Tara Brach, True Refuge
   
   4. If someone on your team takes the risk to name a truth that the rest of the team has been dancing around or has an idea that is not a popular one, openly let them know how much you value their willingness to speak up. Doing this creates a norm around expressing challenging and possibly avoided things. Your acknowledgement and appreciation will go a long way in creating a team of innovators rather than people pleasers.

We can recognize that heightened emotions often point to fundamental stress about survival. Even as we try to build a “team” mentality, many of us have been trained to believe that the natural order of the world is competitive. More and more, naturalists and biologists are telling us otherwise—the natural world, including humans, are naturally collaborative. 

Practice presence: listen and make space before you react in order to respond from a centered, more expansive perspective. Make feedback easy, light, and a natural part of your workplace. 

PURPOSE

“The happiest people are not the ones who achieve the most. They are the ones who spend more time than others in a state of flow.”
-Hector Garcia Puigcerver, Ikigai

The connection purpose and happiness is not a new phenomenon. There are several studies that support this relationship. Ensuring team members feel their individual sense of purpose that is linked to team and organizational goals is another way to promote feelings of joy and vitality at work.

While each person’s sense of purpose is unique to them, feeling it is not something that emerges organically for most.  Leaders must encourage their teams to take ownership of the work they do. This transfer of ownership requires some letting go.  

As you build your team, ask yourself:   

• What do I need, to be able to trust my team with their work even when mistakes are happening?  

• What tools or conditions do I need to provide my team with to be able to trust that they will figure it out?

When the right people feel your trust even in the midst of their mistakes, personal ownership grows.  

Ownership of work without a connection to the larger goals of the organization can feel isolating.  It’s important for leaders to help individuals articulate how their work and purpose feeds into the larger team and organizational goals.  

When people feel their purpose in the work they do while also recognizing their contributions to a larger goal,  feelings of belonging and joy emerge. This purpose driven culture minimizes those who wake up and show up daily just for the paycheck. Passion and ambition become the norm and the entire pulse of the organization is elevated.

FUN WITHOUT THE POOL TABLE

“Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it.Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
-Howard Thurman

Creating a workplace where people want to come to work isn’t about purchasing pool tables and providing copious amounts of treats. If you want people to want to come to work, create processes and relationships that energize people to be the best version of themselves—especially outside of the workplace. 

It’s not about attempting to elevate your team from co-workers to family. This team-family approach has proven to be quite toxic for most people who end up with fractured true family relationships because they felt pressure to devote themselves to their work team. Rather than trying to create a family at work, figure out what it would take for you to actually feel like a team—working towards the same goal, each person bringing their rockstar talents, some of which they might not even be aware of yet.

Celebrate wins together. Problem solve and help each other. Find ways to help people leave the office feeling supported, seen, and heard so that when they return home for the evening they can be fully present at home and ready to work again the next morning. 

Nourish a team with so much autonomy, collaboration, and real-talk that there’s more laughter than competition, more inspiration than skepticism. 

We’ve all heard how important it is to enjoy what we do for work given the number of hours we spend doing it.  Despite this, when trying to find joy at work, we look for ways to escape the actual work to find it.  It’s possible to find vitality on the job.  It just requires some honesty, intention and understanding.

3 PRACTICAL WAYS TO NOURISH YOUR WORK AND PERSONAL LIFE

Experts often talk about people’s needs for meaningful and purpose-driven work. But what about work that nourishes you, energizes you and brings you joy? We often just accept that work doesn’t do those things without questioning and realizing how much power we actually have. We’re not asking you to change jobs or burn up your entire career or relationships to this. 

Hang tight and let’s get into how this can be possible for you. We’ll give you three simple and yes, challenging ways to cultivate a more nourishing life as a leader and professional. Remember that saying that anything worthwhile is going to be challenging?

Isn’t Nourishment About Food?

Yes! Nourishment is defined as the food or other substances necessary for growth and good health. So, when we are talking about nourishing work and life, it’s the things that are necessary for growth and a healthy and joyful life. Massages and meal prep are great. We are talking about more than just a little self-care. 

The things we are talking about go deeper and last longer than the moments after that massage or the week you felt the benefits of the prep you did on Sunday. This is the stuff that will keep your cup full so that you aren’t thinking about how to get through the day. Instead, you are excited about your days and flow through them with ease.

3 Simple Ways to Cultivate Professional and Personal Nourishment

1. Expand Your Perception and Take Responsibility

“Much of our impoverishment derives precisely and directly from a failure of imagination.”

— John Quinn, Walking In Wonder

Our neural pathways have been forming over a lifetime as we play our core beliefs on repeat in our minds. We all do this. It’s human, and you’re not alone. Challenging our core beliefs can be daunting–especially when we don’t even notice how automatic and “natural” they feel. When it comes to nourishment, replacing our limiting beliefs with the wonder of possibility is an energizing practice.

THE NOURISHING BENEFITS OF BEING WRONG: doubt your doubts

One way to begin challenging your mental models is to look for evidence that proves you wrong. Our culture is often a righteous culture–we feel safe and valuable when we’re right. But what if it’s actually nourishing to be wrong sometimes? 

For example, what if you’ve often believed you’re an imposter, or that when people disagree with you they must be questioning your intelligence? What if…you’re wrong? What if you’re not an imposter, but a passionate leader with valuable skills? What if when someone disagrees with you, they actually feel safe enough around you to share their real opinions and highly respect your intelligence? To expand your perception, begin to look for evidence that contradicts your mental model.  

When we consciously watch for something, it begins to appear in abundance. This isn’t some sort of woo-woo, blind faith idea. There is science behind it. Our reticular activating system is a bundle of nerves in your brainstem and it’s job is to filter information so that only the things we are focused on (the important stuff) comes through. 

Since our mental models are so ingrained, we unconsciously focus on them all the time and as a result, spot evidence to support them constantly. The first step in challenging these narratives is to open to the possibility of something different and focus on that.

“My biggest discovery was that you can literally re-create your life. You can redefine it. You don’t have to live in the past. I found that not only did I have fight in me, I had love.”

— Viola Davis

Create your life rather than react to it. This is a leader’s responsibility. Almost everyone has their own set of painful, self sabotaging narratives resulting from growing up in this world. As we develop, we begin to have choices as to what we want to do with these mental models. We realize we are out of the danger we were once in as a child, teenager or even young adult, and we can nourish a sense of safety and trust in the world.  

2. Don’t “Over-Water” Your Work Relationships

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly.
Learn to do everything lightly.
Think lightly, act lightly, feel lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though
you’re feeling deeply.
”

— Aldous Huxley

One of the most nourishing things we can do for ourselves is to monitor our striving. We’ve been trying to prove our worthiness for so long we don’t even notice how hard we’re trying to measure up. 

In all of our striving, we often over-water the very dreams and goals we’re trying to obtain. Many of us strive for more freedom and autonomy, and in doing so, we get trapped working ourselves to exhaustion on our road to retirement or more free time. We grasp at the result we want and try to control every step of the journey. It’s exhausting!  

Articulating an intention, and leaving space for the unknown to unfold rather than trying to force everything to happen requires letting go and some faith- both in yourself and in the world around you. The results of this might not be exactly as you wanted or even expected, but they are often more joyful.  

The journey is filled with ease and we aren’t completely spent by the time we get there. This letting go opens up possibilities that we might not have ever imagined or have been able to orchestrate on our own.

3. Commit To Being With Your Emotions

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”

— Pema Chödrön

One of the hardest things for all of us is to commit to allowing our emotions to run their course. We have not trusted our emotions for years, and it takes time to learn their deep wisdom. Commit to learning about and experiencing your emotions the same way you would commit to acquiring any new skill–there will be times when you want to give up and run away, but when you stay with it, the results are freeing.

Staying with feelings is tough. We are constantly running from the uncomfortable. Self- Compassion is essential to riding the wave of our emotions. Know that while you probably have a great reason for feeling the way you do, you may not know it right away. Be with the unknown and give those feelings enough time to reveal something to you. There is no need to explain yourself to anyone - including your mind. Pausing to listen and learn the language of these various states often yields so much wisdom we didn’t even realize we had.

Life and work does not have to be so blah, monotonous, busy and overwhelming. With a bit of intention and willingness to let go, we can open the door to a much more fulfilling and colorful experience.  

How To Be Known Beyond Your Resume

“May you find a harmony between your soul and your life.”

— John O'Donohue

All of us have an inherent desire to be known beyond a job or a title. Not only do we want to be valued in the workplace, we want to be known. To be valued and to be known go hand-in-hand. And, for many of us, we realize our most valuable qualities cannot be articulated or defined on a resume or contained within one role. 

In this article we’ll talk about a few ways to be known beyond your role and resume:

• Why and how to shift from making assumptions to practicing disclosure

• How to overcome cultural expectations to expand your emotional range

• Why congruent communication is an essential skill

• How slowing down is the fastest way to be yourself

• How to redirect your energy from explanations and definitions to creativity and expression

From Assumptions To Disclosure

As leaders, we’re often expected to have all the answers and full confidence in every product, strategy, service and campaign that we take to market. Yet, many of us experience sleepless nights worried about so many details that could go wrong. Rather than suppress your anxieties, and keep it all to yourself, why not express both your excitement and your nervousness in a way that also maintains trust and faith  in your leadership? 

Disclosure doesn’t mean becoming dramatic or revealing your deepest darkest secrets or insecurities. A simple statement that you feel nervous, but you have complete faith in the team is an honest and optimistic way to let others know you’re human–but a human with experience and a willingness to evolve as needed. 

The truth is, we all understand that anything worth doing has an element of risk. There’s a level of uncertainty to almost everything we do. Give yourself permission to be honest about the unpredictability while also expressing optimism. Uncertainty and optimism can absolutely exist at the same time. If you tend to be the skeptic, allow the part of you that is hopeful also come through. The more of our own emotions, thoughts, and ideas we’re able to express, the more we’ll be seen. 

Overcoming Cultural Expectations: Expanding Your Emotional Range

“Being fully human is not about feeling happy, it’s about feeling everything.”

— Glennon Doyle

“I don’t do jealousy.” How many times have we convinced ourselves that we’re so very “adult” that we evolved right out of uncomfortable emotions? How did we convince ourselves that we shouldn’t have certain feelings? That jealousy, anger, sadness, excitement, or optimism are somehow childish? 

The truth is every emotion has a purpose–they have something transformational and deeply wise to tell us on every level. All of us experience jealousy. All of us experience anger. All of us experience fear. And all of us experience that gut feeling of optimism that we can’t explain to anyone else. To deny our feelings only causes misunderstandings, missed opportunities and disease.

Many of us experience the pressure to be the optimistic cheerleader or the responsible skeptic, depending on our relationships, roles, and environment. I invite you to allow your whole self to show up. You can absolutely have confidence to start an unrefined program AND express how risky it feels. You can definitely allow your anger to inform your decision to delay a new launch for a couple more days while you investigate what anger is trying to tell you. This complexity is what makes you human and relatable as a leader.

It takes courage to slow down and acknowledge that these emotions have value. It requires us to sit with discomfort and withhold judgment of ourselves.. We have a lot of feelings about feelings. Make self-compassion your guide when emotions feel overwhelming or confusing and find a way to make more room for you.

It’s no longer about controlling or managing your emotions. When unwanted feelings show up unexpectedly, it’s about asking ourselves “what’s the wisdom here?” We begin to redefine our relationship to ourselves as we become willing to see all sides and parts of self as valuable players, contributing to our sense of freedom and accomplishment. Being an adult isn’t about reducing your emotional range, but about expanding it and becoming so familiar with your emotions that you understand how to use them.

Congruent Communication

“This is a season to acknowledge your value, your uniqueness. This is a season to see yourself fully for who you are. Be your own inspiration and then spark the light for others. Find your voice, trust your gut, and speak because we are all listening.”

— Tunde Oyeneyin

When we communicate congruently, we are speaking from alignment and integrity–with harmonious resonance. There is no denial of emotions, only presence. Remember that speech is only a small part of communication–you don’t have to give voice to every emotion you’re feeling for it to be present.  Allowing the presence of your emotions however, can be challenging in the face of preconceived notions of what leadership should look like. 

Once you begin to allow all of your emotions a seat at the table, you can stop hiding them from others. On some level, as much as we think we’ve got the ultimate poker-face and we hide our real feelings from others, they sense that something is off, and it compromises foundational relationships. It takes so much less energy to declare your feelings–with voice, body, or energy.

Only 7% of communication involves words. The rest of our communication consists of  body language, energetic awareness, and many other subtle cues we’re subconsciously sharing and receiving. We’ve all experienced speaking something we think someone wants to hear from us, and feeling discomfort somewhere in our body. The person receiving our not-quite-honest words can probably sense something is off as well.

It can be a challenge to trust our intuition and instinct when we’ve all been trained to take things at face-value in our literal culture. We’ve all found ourselves saying something we didn’t really mean; and we’ve all experienced feeling a bit crazy when someone else says something that doesn’t line up. With this acknowledgment, we can begin to say what we mean in ways that are both congruent and helpful. Our congruency will naturally give others permission to do the same.

Congruent communication is about creating harmony with words, body, energy, and gesture. In order to get all of those pieces aligned into a unified whole, we must slow down to feel the harmony of our actions and words. Congruence creates a radiance–a deep and piercing radiance that you can feel in your body, and those you work with feel it too.

The Power of Slowing Down To Be Who You Really Are

“We are here to go with the flow, and we recognize the improvisational energy that courses through nature itself. There is room to zig and zag, to color outside of the lines, to screw it up royally, and then to come back to the core, to your Sovereign sense of self, in order to feel renewed”

— Marisa Goudy

Want to approach each situation and circumstance with more response-ability rather than reactivity? Slow down. Take time to compassionately move curiously through your initial reaction and find the wisdom deep within. Go slow to go fast. You’ll save yourself some regret when you allow yourself to sit with the reactivity before you release something that’s out of alignment with your intention. 

Slowing down is one of the most generous gifts we can give ourselves and to those around us. When we slow down we can tap into what we really know and feel. We begin to trust that we can show up exactly as we are while bringing our unique and valuable gifts to every conversation and project. 

In our race to be somebody, we often become everyone else. We can stop racing to be somebody, and simply relax into being ourselves.   

USE YOUR ENERGY FOR CREATION:
EXPRESSION vs. EXPLANATION

“When we keep choosing between right and wrong. We spend our energy sorting life rather than living it.”

— Mark Nepo

It takes far more energy to live in the realm of “shoulds.” We’re constantly fighting ourselves, repressing our real feelings and our true gifts. It’s exhausting trying to contort ourselves to fit into some form of leadership box that is often way too small. Rather than trying to fit inside a box that someone else created, try creating your own container with plenty of space for flow, evolution, and expansion.

As we slow down to express our greatest gifts and insights, we may find we need to spend less time on explaining and defending ourselves. Our truth becomes indisputable and we begin to find easeful ways of interacting with others that feels honest, real, expansive, and liberating. 

How To Boldly Give Voice To Your Value

“My voice is born repeatedly in the fields of uncertainty…I take a deep breath and sidestep my fear and begin speaking from the place where beauty and bravery meet–within the chambers of a quivering heart.”

— Terry Tempest Williams

What are you worth? What exactly is your value in this world?

Did you feel that? Your throat tightening? Maybe you held your breath? These are questions that many of us do not want to sit with for very long, if at all. 

Feeling Valued Is An Essential Human Need

It’s understandable that many of us look to others’ approval to define our value in this world–our boss, colleagues, significant others, and, where it all started, our families. Once upon a time we needed our families to survive, especially our parents. Beyond our needs for food and shelter, we needed them to show us we were worthy of love and acceptance so that we could simply stay alive and thrive. 

Feeling Valued Is An Inside Job

Despite how our families and colleagues treat us, feeling valued is an inside job. Most of us are uncertain of our value–at least on the surface. We know somewhere deep down inside how valuable, how worthy we are of the lives we long for. The only person we have to convince of our value is ourselves. Easier said than done, yes?

How To Voice Your Value

Start With Your Uncertainty

Do I really deserve that salary? Do I actually qualify for that promotion? Do I really have the right to have a seat at the table? Do my ideas hold weight among experienced colleagues?

It’s so much easier to see someone else’s experience and value it before we even begin to invest in and recognize our own. We quickly dismiss and brush off our own experiences as trivial, imperfect, and simply not enough.

From External Achievement To Internal Expansion

Rather than think of your valuable experiences as only external achievements to bulk up your resume, begin to consider the internal growth you’ve gained over the years with every tough conversation, collaboration, compromise, and creative solution. Consider what others can’t see. 

The universe is 96% dark matter and dark energy–we can’t see or understand most of our universe, and yet it is incredibly powerful, creative, and resourceful. As humans, we forget that so much of our lives happens in unseen moments and dimensions–how hard we work behind the scenes to keep it all together and keep ourselves evolving closer to our authenticity and true gifts. What matters to us most (love, belonging, satisfaction, meaning, etc.) cannot be seen, measured, or defined. 

Celebrate all of it! As you pause to celebrate external achievements, allow yourself to also honor and give value to those unseen evolutions. Intentionally value and what can’t be measured and revere it: patience, compassion, joy, optimism, curiosity, endurance, empathy, fierce determination, etc. 

Ask yourself:

• How have I become a better communicator? 

• How will my voiced experiences help a team examine more perspectives? 

• How will my shared approach empower others to consider new and more natural possibilities? 

• How will my patience, anger, or insight inspire those around me to bring their most authentic selves to their roles?

Often what’s most valuable about us, can’t be explained, defined, or articulated. When we begin to value who we are alongside what we do, voicing our worth becomes not only natural, but fun! Who we are on the inside is incredibly valuable and worthy. 

The Value of Being Human

“If the world is to be healed through human efforts, I am convinced it will be by ordinary people, people whose love for this life is even greater than their fear.”

— Joanna Macy

It’s easy for all of us to take ourselves seriously, making it tempting to hide what we perceive as shortcomings, flaws, or outright failures. How much of our doing and producing is actually an attempt to make up for our perceived imperfections? More than we realize.

It’s so much easier, truly more gracious, to acknowledge our humanity. We can be honest about moments when we didn’t perform as well as we’d hoped, and share stories about pretending to know something when we didn’t. 

From Denial To Awareness of Our Humanity

Our culture covertly and overtly encourages us to deny our humanity. Often, we become so skilled at denial that we don’t even realize we’re hiding anything at all. The denial of our emotions, physical health, and mental needs becomes automatic. 

Reclaiming awareness and acceptance of your humanity is a powerful investment. Investing in your humanity is a powerful way to value yourself and those around you. This isn’t something you need to fabricate.  Your passions, your opinions, your experiences and all of your imperfections . . . your humanity is the quintessence of value.  

You Are Your Own Best Mentor and Expert

How many times have you felt completely confident about yourself and a decision you’ve made, only to have doubt swallow you whole when one person questions you. We’ve all been there. In this moment, it’s essential to remember our humanity. One person’s opinion is simply that–an opinion. 

As humans, we have a variety of experiences and an infinite number of ways to interpret and internalize those experiences. In an effort to help others, we too can fall into the trap of projecting and even manipulating outcomes that make us feel comfortable rather than actually help us grow and evolve. 

So when you question yourself because someone else doubts you, remember we’re all humans with limited perspectives. Trust your intuition. Take a few breaths, come back to your body, and remember you and your ideas are completely worth it. Indulge in every accomplishment, experience and expansion despite what others think.

The Pleasure of Trust

“Caring passionately about something isn’t against nature, and it isn’t against human nature. It’s what we’re here to do.”

— Annie Dillard

Many of us feel that pleasure is a luxury, maybe even something selfish to be avoided. However, when we truly slow down to take pleasure in our accomplishments, experiences, and circumstances, we will find that we learn to trust ourselves. We refine and hone our senses. We begin to know what feels good and aligned with our values and what does not. 

Pleasure isn’t necessarily about comfort and certainty. Pleasure is about allowing ourselves to experience new sensations in the moment without any judgment or stories that come with a litany of “shoulds.” We simply allow ourselves time to feel what makes us come alive–the thing that makes our blood pulse and our breath deepen. 

Voice Your Experience

When we give voice to our experience, we give it authority (not authoritarianism), we give it substance. The root of the word authority is author. When we give voice to our value, we take control of our self-worth. We let people know not only that we are worthy, but also that we know we are worthy. This tends to result in others trusting us. It’s not about over-selling ourselves, it’s about being Real. 

Imposter syndrome runs rampant when we feel we have to hide our humanity and imperfections. Our voice wants truth. Speak up about all of it–your accomplishments and your shortcomings. The more Real you are, the more you will surround yourself with those who align with your values.  These people will trust and value you. 

The journey to Real begins with you. What stories are you telling yourself about your worth, about your value? Tell the truth. The whole truth–which includes how valuable you are to everyone you connect with.

“‘i love myself.’
the
quietest.
simplest.
most
powerful.
revolution.
ever.
”

— Nayyirah Waheed

When we value ourselves, we love all of ourselves - the good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty and everything in between. We remember that we deserve every opportunity we seek and that is seeking us. No one knows you better than you. No one can love you better than you. Now, word by word, begin to voice your value. Have fun and come alive. Let the world know you have something valuable to give. 

THE GIFT OF ANGER: the messenger that wakes the real you

“Rage is there for good reason…When you repress anger, you’re actually repressing your immune system. The role of anger is to protect your boundaries. It’s to make sure that something that shouldn’t intrude on you, doesn’t. The emotional system allows in what’s nourishing, and keeps out what is not.”

— Dr. Gabor Maté

What is your relationship with anger? Are you afraid to feel it? To show it? To receive it? Do you know what anger is and how to recognize and use it? 

Many of us understandably stay far away from anger for personal and cultural reasons. However, what we may have labeled as “anger,” may be fragile volatility–a counterfeit of anger. Real anger is both wise and messy. Fragile volatility is a defensive strategy aimed at gaining control; while true anger is illuminating and protective of our instincts as we journey through an uncertain reality. 

Anger Is Not…

None of us want to be labeled as angry in a culture that tends to misunderstand anger in the first place. We’re supposed to be grateful, meek, in control, and always agreeable diplomats. Expressing anger, we’ve come to believe, is the quickest way to become the most unlikeable person in the room. But what if what we think is anger is not anger at all?

What most of us have really experienced is not anger but fragile volatility–people “flipping their lid” or “losing their temper” in an attempt to manipulate and gain control and power over others. It’s an intimidation and bullying method. Who wants to be associated with the bully in the room? And so, we’ve conflated anger with bullying. 

“I’ve seen how anger has been used as a tool to do that as it relates to women, and also as it relates to people of color. Anytime you see that an emotional attitude is acceptable for powerful people, but is never acceptable for those who are less powerful, then you know that’s something that perhaps you need to reclaim for yourself.”

— Myisha Cherry

But anger is not bullying or manipulation.

Anger is not about control or power-over. 

Anger is energetic renewal. 

Discontent

Repeatedly, my clients come to me expressing discontent with their jobs or a relationship or both.  They can’t seem to figure out why they feel the way they do.  After some work, we often find that these emotions are actually repressed anger and are a result of their boundaries being crossed by others and by themselves.  

Gratitude

This one is subtle, but profound. Real gratitude is powerful and can help us change our lives for good. However, we often use gratitude to mask our anger. If we’re unsatisfied with our jobs, rather than feel the anger at the root of that, we try to convince ourselves, “well, at least I’m paying the bills; I should be grateful.”

Yes, having a job is a privilege.  False gratitude however, keeps us stuck. Real gratitude is a both/and inclusive outlook: “I’m grateful I can pay the bills AND I’m unsatisfied.”  This expansive perspective allows us to use the energy of the emotion to make a change we desire.

What Is Anger And How To Use It

Anger is a powerful messenger for energetic renewal, not a mechanism for control, bullying or manipulation. It is wise energy; a catalyst. It wakes us up to where things are out of alignment with our authentic selves. Real anger helps us create boundaries. Real anger moves us to become more ourselves.

ANGER IS A SIGNAL THAT A BOUNDARY HAS BEEN CROSSED OR COMPROMISED

Anger is an energy we feel when a boundary has been crossed. We feel angry when we’re expected to do something in a way or at a time that doesn’t align with our own values.

Anger has nothing to do with blame. It is simply the recognition that we are out of alignment. When we use it in this way, we are freed from blaming ourselves or others, and we simply allow the energy of anger to guide us to set appropriate limits that will help us live authentically and in healthy connection with others.

Boundaries are made with love for ourselves and others.  Healthy limitations do not stem from control. While our limits may be challenging for others, recognize that this boundary is for you as well.  Do not take on the emotions of other people’s discontent. Often people respond to our boundaries with that same fragile volatility we confuse for anger.   Allow them their own experience. 

Our fear of fragile volatility often keeps us from making healthy and loving boundaries. Commit with the lines you have drawn. It’s a long-game strategy. Over time, people will appreciate knowing where you stand–it removes guessing games and the traps of assumption.

Ultimately, boundaries are about understanding where you begin and another person ends. They help you define what you value and how to embrace those values without entangling with others’ needs and wants. These limits are freeing, not restrictive. 

NOTE: Setting boundaries is not about self-improvement. They are simply defining what is and is not ok. There is no right or wrong. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.

Anger Is A Signal That A Basic Need Is Not Being Met

When we’re not meeting our basic needs, we often feel resentment towards others. Our anger can quickly shift from being the energetic messenger to suppressed rage.

What would it feel like to be a steady living volcano, contributing creative lifeforce day in and day out rather than being that now-and-then catastrophic explosion? What would a daily release of anger feel like as you reclaim tending to your basic needs each and every day?

What are basic needs? That’s something only you can define. Don’t limit yourself. We often consider basic needs as luxuries. For example, feeling creative and autonomous are basic needs–not luxuries. Basic needs reach far beyond food, shelter, and work. Be generous with your basic needs. What do you need on a daily basis to nourish and energize yourself?

• Is your work meeting your basic needs?

• Are your relationships meeting your basic needs?

• Are you taking time to meet your basic needs?

• Are you defining what you want and what you don’t want? 

Visualize becoming a living, flowing volcano. Feel how freeing and powerful it is. Feel the warmth and the creative force flow through your veins and all around you. Tend to yourself. Protect your needs.

Anger Is Fierce Self-Compassion

When we express our anger, we are showing ourselves that we honor our values and trust our instincts. We don’t question or judge ourselves. Anger allows us to stand up for ourselves with protective mama-bear energy that keeps us on our own wild path to authenticity. 

To learn more about fierce self-compassion and how to cultivate it, read our article here about Why Compassion For Ourselves and Others Is Essential For Real Leadership.  

Embracing The Impulsivity of Anger

Anger is messy, which is perhaps why many of us avoid it. Its effects are uncertain. Though we cannot predict how others will respond to our anger (setting boundaries, expressing opinions and passions), we can be sure we will feel a greater sense of belonging as we honor our truest needs. 

Anger is often experienced as impulsive–an explosion or a highly charged reaction. It feels irrational. Because it is. This isn’t a negative thing. Our authentic self isn’t rational. Rational is something the world defines for us. Rational is the social construct we’ve been expected to follow rather than our own wild intuition. 

For this reason, it’s important for us to pause and sit with anger as soon as we recognize it. Our emotions are signals, not literal messages. They require us to slow down and challenge set beliefs that restrict our potential rather than expand our possibilities. If we break it down to an im-pulse, a feeling within, and sit with it before reacting, we are better equipped to respond with wisdom and power. 

Our real selves often look and feel irrational to others. The more you follow your intuition and instincts, the more impulsive you may seem to others. Yet, you will feel more centered and grounded, learning to trust yourself.

“You cannot, you cannot use someone else’s fire. You can only use your own. And in order to do that, you must first be willing to believe that you have it.”

— Audre Lorde

Like a volcano, your need to create boundaries is often forming beneath the surface. When the fire comes to the surface, it is not an impulsive or sudden act, but, rather, a slow-and-steady buildup of pressure. It’s an intense moment that you can definitely handle–in fact, you can use the explosion for the energetic renewal you’ve been craving. 

Let your experience of anger be wild, impulsive, and unpredictable. This is not to say that we spew it on others.  As that slow flowing volcano, know and honor this sacred energy you can produce. Allow anger to be the catalyst that it is. Its power is undeniable. Learn how to listen to it and ride its waves.

Many of us have been conditioned in our culture to relate with anger in one extreme or another: either we are afraid of the anger and allow the sadness and grief that lie underneath anger to come forward because we’ve been taught not to get angry or we fear its power, or we’re afraid of our vulnerabilities and mask it with volatility. Do you find yourself masking anger with more acceptable emotions?  

The integration of this powerful energy with the vulnerable messengers underneath is essential to harness the potential of this emotion. Feel the discomfort of your exposed insecurities. Find your true fire. Honor it. Sit with it. Then, allow its wisdom to refine you, as scary as it might feel at first.   

“My rage was the only thing keeping me awake, I was feeding off it in that righteous way you can if you never mention out loud the wrong you are being done.”

— Zadie Smith

Why Compassion For Ourselves and Others Is Essential For Real Leadership

“When we relate to ourselves with tender self-compassion, we care for and nurture ourselves. When we relate to ourselves with fierce self-compassion, we assert our autonomy and stand up for our rights.”

-Kristin Neff, Fierce Self-Compassion

Compassion isn’t always what we think it is. It’s deeper and far more sweet than simply being nice or good, and it can be far more fierce than we realize. Compassion doesn’t always feel good, nor is it always about pain and suffering. Compassion asks us to move beyond the performance of nice, and boldly step into our authenticity as living, breathing humans with a whole library of emotions and experiences. As real leaders, compassion is absolutely central to our ability to influence and grow.

In this article, we’ll discuss:

• The difference between nice and kind

• Why self-compassion must come first

• How compassion frees us from “right” and “wrong” thinking

• The joyful side of compassion

• The nature and power of fierce compassion

• How to introduce a Self-Compassion practice for leaders
  

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NICE AND KIND

“If kindness has falseness at its base, it is no longer kindness. It is labored courtesy.”

-Pierro Ferrucci, The Power of Kindness

Many of us are well-trained people pleasers. Of course we are. We were taught to avoid conflict and not ruffle any feathers. We were groomed to be ‘nice’ and were rewarded for saying what we thought others wanted to hear from us rather than speaking our truth. On the other hand, we’ve all experienced how refreshing it is to be in conversation with someone who speaks their truth while simultaneously respecting all others in the group. They are kind. They listen. And we know exactly where they stand. There’s no guessing. It’s clear. And it feels good, easy, and energizing.

Being nice can be exhausting. It often feels like a performance that requires effort as we try to guess what the other person wants from us based on our past experiences. We’re trying our best with what tools we’ve been given. The good news is that we can stop assuming and taking responsibility for another person’s ability to be ok with who we are. We can find compassion for ourselves and our needs when we engage with others. We can ask for what we need and what we want.  We can tell the truth–this is kindness. 

Kindness is rooted in truth-telling. Thank goodness it has nothing to do with politeness, manners, or social norms. Kindness allows for imperfection and uncertainty. Kindness is a sister to compassion. They both accept our humanity, our failures as well as our wins. Where niceness is rooted in fear with barriers to authenticity, kindness surrenders perfection and opens the door for vulnerability, acceptance, and collaboration.

WHY SELF-COMPASSION MUST COME FIRST

“The more you Nurture yourself, the more you’ll find you’re living from your future self—the best of who you are.”

-Tara Brach, Radical Compassion

Self-compassion is one of the first things I speak about with many of my clients.  We live in a culture that is constantly pushing us to do more and be better–for others.  The result of this is that many of us live in a place of ‘not enoughness’.  We are never satisfied with our work and are constantly striving for more and better.  While we might believe that this perfectionistic way of being keeps us from being complacent, research shows quite the opposite.  

This lack of grace for ourselves and lack of self-compassion actually creates rigidity and stalls growth.  It is challenging (or perhaps impossible) to get ‘unstuck’ when what we are doing and being is never enough.  Self-compassion does not lower our standards or ‘take us off the hook’ for our goals.  On the contrary, it soothes the feelings of inadequacy and frees up the energy needed to move forward with new learning toward growth and the goals we have set for ourself.  

Self-compassion is as important and nourishing as sleep. Rest rejuvenates the body and prepares it for another day of work and play. Self-compassion revives the mind and nervous system to take on fresh perspectives and new insights as it builds resilience. It’s a tool that is important to learn early on if we want to reach higher and higher levels of growth and even achievement. 

Compassion can often seem easier to give to others than it is to give ourselves. Is it really possible to have true compassion for others if we cannot give it to ourselves? If we hold ourselves to impossible standards, how will we ever liberate ourselves from the tyranny of perfection? Just like it’s easier to fix other people’s problems rather than our own, it’s easier to try to show compassion to others who struggle just like we do. 

And yet, compassion for others without self-compassion is merely saviorism and niceness. Somewhere subconsciously we believe that others are allowed to fail, but somehow we are meant for perfection, and anything less is unacceptable. While our intentions may be to support others, holding ourselves at a higher standard than we do others can be a form of superiority.   

The ability to have self-compassion creates safety in interpersonal relationships: I can be me; you can be you. Each person becomes responsible for themselves, and no one is trying to manipulate outcomes by playing the role of a ‘nice person’. Self-compassion creates a boundary that allows for authentic connection. When that boundary is not there, a toxic enmeshment begins to form. We begin wondering what the other person thinks about us–the boundary has dissolved.  In an effort to be liked and belong, we begin to think ‘If you are ok, I’m ok’ and ‘If you are not ok, I’m not ok’.  This kind of thinking and behavior are the tell-tale signs of a codependent relationship.

Self-compassion comes when we spend more time with ourselves, and allow our whole self to show up. We listen to ourselves–every bit. And we listen with our hearts into the feelings we are avoiding, rather than getting caught up in the stories of the mind. We sit with the feeling–the suffering, the joy, and everything in between. 

HOW COMPASSION FREES US FROM “RIGHT” AND “WRONG” THINKING

“When you feel lacking or unworthy you often overcompensate with hyperbolic effort and glorified grind.”

-Octavia Raheem, author of Pause, Rest, Be

As I’ve traveled the world, I’ve started to notice that there are many cultures who aren’t as concerned as we are with being a “good” person. What does that even mean? We are a vigilant culture, desperate to prove our worthiness. This wounded desire to be “good” puts us in a constant state of judgment. Was that experience good or bad? Did I do something wrong to deserve this? What can I do more right to get the life I want? 

Compassion frees us from right-and-wrong, black-and-white thinking. Compassion reminds us that we are all human. We all fall short of our expectations. Things rarely turn out how we planned.  Self-compassion allows us to take responsibility for our actions while also recognizing that we live in a world of uncertainty.  We can take responsibility for our feelings while recognizing that feelings aren’t our fault. Of course we feel sad when we don’t get the promotion we wanted. Of course we feel frustrated when our partner isn’t listening. Of course we eat for emotional comfort from time to time. Of course. 

Many of us get caught in the exhausting need to be right. We want to prove how good we are. And yet, compassion cannot be put on a report card or a resume. How much easier would life be if we simply admitted to being human?

THE JOYFUL SIDE OF COMPASSION

We often only associate compassion with moments of suffering and disappointment. However, compassion is so much bigger than that. Compassion is simply having the ability to feel what you or someone else is feeling and act on it. Compassion is feeling. As we get older, it’s common to stop celebrating ourselves–we don’t allow ourselves to fully feel the joy of reaching a goal or taking a big leap. Compassion is just as much about exuberance as it is about sorrow and grief. 

Allow yourself to feel joy, satisfaction, pleasure, and ease. The more we allow ourselves to feel these things, the better we’ll be able to experience them with others. People want to be celebrated and noticed. We want to share all pieces of our lives with each other. It’s human to be joyful, and to remember that we get to experience all of this!

Our joy is rooted in our darkness. And our darkness is rooted in our joy. We need both. Cycles of sadness and apathy build depth and color–without it, life is just pink, not a full spectrum rainbow. Let life happen to you. All of it. Because nothing is forever. 

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.

Only press on: no feeling is final.

Don’t let yourself be cut off from me.

Nearby is the country

known as Life.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

One of the most compassionate gifts we can give ourselves is time to feel. Time to feel angry. Time to feel disappointment. Time to feel relief. Time to feel connected with nature and loved ones. Compassion is sweet. Allow yourself to fully experience being alive. It’s totally natural to feel frustrated, that life isn’t fair, that some days are just too much. 

Find ways to bring yourself more grace. We are living in a culture that asks us to live unnaturally and inauthentically–we’re often expected to speed through life without feeling a thing. We’re expected to live only in our logical minds when we are so much more than that. We’re all doing our best with what we’ve been given. Find time to slow down for the joy to marinate in your bones. Give yourself permission to let your excitement rise beyond the surface of your skin and bring you much needed energy. 

Celebrate yourself. Especially the small things. We’ve all heard of gratitude journals. What about starting a joy journal? A journal to celebrate yourself and the things you love and have accomplished? Try it, and let me know how it goes.

THE NATURE AND POWER OF FIERCE COMPASSION 

Compassion is more than care and tenderness. It is certainly soft and loving and feels like a warm embrace. And, it is so much more. Self-compassion expert, Kristin Neff, illuminates the yin and yang nature of compassion. Most of us think of the yin side of compassion that entails a loving, connected presence that allows us to embrace our pain with kindness. However, Neff articulates that:

The yang quality of self-compassion is associated with acting in the world to alleviate suffering. It looks different depending on the action required, but tends to involve protecting, providing for, or motivating ourselves. The dynamic energy of compassion is metaphorically like a Momma Bear who ferociously protects her cubs when threatened, or catches fish to feed them, or leaves a territory where the resources have been depleted to find a new home with more to offer.

Just as tenderness can be turned inward, the fierce energy of Momma Bear can also be turned inward. We can stand up for and protect ourselves, we can nourish and provide for ourselves, and we can motivate the changes necessary to thrive.

When we understand and practice fierce compassion, we “embody brave, empower, clarity” Neff says. Self-compassion is about nourishing ourselves and providing ourselves with the best possible circumstances and environment to succeed.

Compassion is never weak, never passive. Compassion is bold action. It takes bravery to sit in kindness with our own pain. It takes courage to ask for what we need with clarity and boldness. And yet, compassion always energizes us. It frees us to be real. Compassion is a lifelong practice for real leaders.    

THE PRACTICE

Practicing Self-compassion daily not only lowers levels of anxiety while improving overall well-being, it increases our ability to be resilient and learn and improve from our mistakes.  There are numerous benefits to such a practice.  Consider this an invitation into the practice.  

Kristen Neff has made this practice easy and accessible in three simple steps:

Before beginning this practice, notice what is going on in your body and where.  Is there a tightness in your belly?  Are your shoulders higher than they need to be?  Is your jaw clenched?  Take note of any sensations you feel and then begin the practice.

1. Acknowledge the pain or challenge you are facing.  Really get to the heart of it.  You will know when you have done this because you will feel a slight release as you allow yourself to be seen by you in your pain or challenge.  For example, you might say to yourself ‘It feels really hard to be at this level of leadership and not have a clear answer to this problem’  After this acknowledgment, take a deep breath.

2. Acknowledge the common humanity of the experience you are having.  Recognize that the feeling you are experiencing is a part of the human experience.  This is not to diminish your experience, it is to remind you that you are not alone in it.  Following the example from above, you might say to yourself ‘I’m sure there are many leaders in this position who feel this way.  I’m not alone’

3. Give yourself some gentle kindness as you would give a dear friend going through a similar situation.  A gentle touch can be really helpful here.  For example, you might put your hand over your heart and say to yourself  ‘It’s ok, I got you.  We’ll get through this together.’  

You are showing up for yourself as you would show up for a good friend.

As you do this practice, notice how your feelings shift.  Notice what happens in your body.  Are your shoulders more relaxed?  Do you feel the same tension or is there a new softness present?  Take note of any differences or lack of change that you notice.  Continue this practice and overtime you will begin to notice slight and maybe even considerable shifts.  I would love to hear about them.

The Power of Reclaiming Your Wants and Questioning Norms

“I could not live in any of the worlds offered to me–the world of my parents, the world of war, the world of politics. I had to create a world of my own, like a climate, a country, an atmosphere in which I could breathe, reign, and recreate myself when destroyed by the living.”

-Anaïs Nin

It’s never been easy for anyone to risk separation from their family or community of any kind. And yet, it’s always been crucial for each and every individual to discover their unique and innate gifts in order to share with the world what only they can share. It’s never been easy to be weird–the person who goes against the grain and does something authentic. 

The word weird comes from the Old English wyrd, meaning “having power to control fate.” When we begin to re-acquaint ourselves with our inner genius, our souls, we very well might become weird to the world, but we reclaim our power to determine our own destiny and fate. Becoming weird could possibly be one of the most important journeys you’ll ever take.

What truly matters to you? Is it a promotion? Or is it more autonomy and time with loved ones? What is your definition and hope for success?

In this article we’ll discuss:

• The costs of questioning norms and following the beat of your own drum

• The nature of personal growth within a greater community

• The current state of our collective nervous system and how to steady your own pulse

• How to define and claim your own wants, desires, and autonomy

THE COST OF QUESTIONING NORMS AND FOLLOWING THE BEAT OF YOUR OWN DRUM

Why is it so difficult to pull away from the inertia of the catchy tune of our modern culture? Because we know what the costs could be. Doing our own thing could compromise relationships, our health, and our sense of belonging. We don’t take becoming weird lightly. But if we approach this journey step by step, making one change, setting one boundary at a time, it’s more than possible to begin questioning norms and freeing ourself from the world’s ordinary definition of success.

It’s incredibly stressful to begin dancing to your own beat–to speak up and show up in ways that are authentic, but definitely different and maybe even controversial. It’s stressful to be different. And yet, it’s essential to our survival that we are authentic. When we consistently suppress our true feelings, wants, and desires, we become depressed. What’s not expressed is depressed. This affects our physical, mental, and spiritual health. 

The sad reality for most of us is that in order to survive, in order to be accepted into our families and communities, we had to conform. Let go of any self-judgment that might shame you for doing your best with very limited circumstances.

There will be costs to questioning norms. So please take care as you decide when and how to begin this journey. Stress can take its toll quickly and subtly. Rather than making 180-degree changes over night, we recommend taking small but meaningful steps that don’t push you beyond a 15% increase in stress. A little stress is okay and balanced with ease can bring about growth. Extreme or chronic stress however, is all too common, and keeps us from becoming our authentic selves due to fatigue and shock. Keep your nervous system in a healthy state that allows you to react and respond in appropriate ways and times. 

THE NATURE OF PERSONAL GROWTH IN A GREATER COMMUNITY

For some of us, questioning norms might be so costly that it puts us in a social deficit. Recognize that questioning or challenging norms can be done internally and/or externally.  Not everyone has to know about every norm you are challenging.  It’s up to each of us to decide if we have enough in the tank to  speak up, and it’s up to each of us to have discernment about what to speak up about. It’s not a linear process and there are no instructions.  Your list won’t look like anyone else’s; and it might not even be logical. Only you will know what feels right and what doesn’t. Preserve your energy.  This is about endurance- a marathon rather than a sprint.  Your empowerment at every step will serve your longevity.

Know that speaking up may not get us to where we want to be in our lifetime.  The pursuit of change must be more valuable than the outcome of change.  This is what will enable future generations to have more ground to stand on than we did. It can be challenging to consider the ‘we’ when the ‘I’ is threatened.  

This is why inclusion efforts are absolutely essential. When you’re already an outsider in many of your circles, it can cause great distress to try to outwardly question norms. It’s up to all of us to create space for ourselves and others to show up exactly as we and they are. We want everyone’s weird/wyrd to show up to the party. The first step toward this is to welcome your own weird internally.  Take care not to push yourself to begin questioning everything all at once. One step, one day at a time will add up faster than you realize.

Once you begin to speak up in those circumstances that feel right for you, remember to imagine positive outcomes in addition to those who you might disappoint. It’s sometimes easier for us to imagine the disappointments, but there will also be those in the room who will reinforce our efforts and give us strength to keep going. Focus on the people who open up to your authenticity.

“I realized I was more convincing to myself and to the people who were listening when I actually said what I thought, versus what I thought people wanted to hear me say.” 

-Ursula Burns

THE CURRENT STATE OF OUR COLLECTIVE NERVOUS SYSTEM AND HOW TO STEADY OUR OWN PULSE

Many people in our culture have not only personal traumas related to culture, race, gender or ethnicity, but have also inherited intergenerational trauma. Our collective nervous system is in a fragile state that affects many things including:

• Sense of self, identity

• Communication patterns

• Relationships with family members and romantic partners

• Parenting styles

• Ability to work, create, and relate

• Overall mental health and well-being

We inherit our biological mother’s stress response. How we deal with stress depends a lot on how we were taught to deal with it. Unfortunately, it’s all too common that many of us learned to repress our emotions and true feelings because we had one or two caregivers who weren’t taught how to deal with stress themselves. No wonder we’re all on edge, and civil discourse seems to only have existed in fairy tales long ago. 

We’re collectively enmeshed and codependent. We all have differing levels of this, but on some level, we’re enmeshed with people we love and/or this culture we live in. If we’re going to regulate our own nervous systems, we have to learn to separate ourselves and set boundaries. What feels invigorating and empowering for some people, won’t do the same for us. We have to let go of the “You’re happy, I’m happy” mentality we inherited from previous generations. 

How do we begin to detangle from enmeshment and codependency?

Reconnect to the wisdom of your body as you begin to question norms. Ask yourself how you’re feeling, not what you’re thinking. Begin to discern the difference between thoughts and feelings.  Ask others how they’re feeling. Remind yourself and others around you to check in with the physical sensations they’re experiencing as you make small, but authentic changes. 

We hear it all the time, and for good reason: take a few deep breaths and check in with what you’re feeling in your body. Try not to get wrapped up in the usual stories you tell yourself. Simply focus on the feeling. Allow it to be there. Sit with it. Ask it what it needs and wants. Most of the time, it just wants to be noticed and acknowledged. It will free itself as it feels acknowledged and heard by us. 

HOW TO DEFINE AND CLAIM YOUR OWN WANTS, DESIRES, AND AUTONOMY

“If I didn’t define myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies of me and eaten alive.”

-Audre Lorde

Pause. Take a breath. Feel it in your body. For so long, we thought we knew what we wanted until we didn’t. We’re exhausted. Disappointed. Lonely. Stuck. Unsatisfied. The world tells us that we want promotions, progress, titles, and even leadership. And yet, if we pause, breathe, and feel, we start to remember our essence and the things we truly want:

• Autonomy

• Trust

• Time with loved ones and in nature 

• Rhythm and cycles–including cycles of rest and unraveling

• Wonder and romance with existence

• A sandwich with homemade bread

• Watching the sunrise without feeling anxiety about the rest of the day

• Art and creativity

• More sleep and home cooked meals

PRACTICE WANTING

It seems so easy to know what we want. It’s not always as easy as we think it should be–especially when we’ve been told to want what everybody else supposedly wants for us for all of our lives. Wanting is a practice. And it begins with our bodies. 

Try it. Yes, now. Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths with your diaphragm–in through your nose and out through your mouth. What does your body want? Where does it want it? What feels tired? What feels stuck? What feels tender?

What could you do in this moment to bring love and energy to this place? Here are some simple but profound ways to tend to your wants and your body:

• Take a 15 minute walk, noticing the way the trees respond to the wind

• Close your eyes for 5-10 minutes and visualize an ideal moment in the future

• Slowly drink a glass of water and feel it replenishing and cleansing your body

I remember one of my coaches challenged me to go to an ice cream shop and pick whatever flavor I wanted. Not the flavor that I was supposed to want for whatever reasons–the healthier choice, the more interesting choice, the more “grown-up” choice. Just pick whatever flavor you want as a practice! What a concept! 

Stop explaining your wants. You don’t have to justify them to anyone. Simply want what you want and trust it, and watch how others begin to trust you more and more. 

Wanting brings joy and satisfaction to our lives when we learn how to practice it daily, in every moment. Trust others to take care of their own wants rather than focusing on the disappointment they may feel about your desires.  Without this trust, we end up as the poster child for codependency and enmeshment: You’re happy; I’m happy. The place where I end and you begin is important to acknowledge.  It’s a boundary. It’s what allows each of us the freedom to be who we really are. We empower not only ourselves but others when we are confident in our wants and express them freely. We give others permission to do the same for themselves.

The Wisdom of Uncertainty and How To Use It

Recently, I changed my name from Gangotri to Chanchal.  A name change is no small thing, and there is a long story behind it. Without getting into the details of it, one of the reasons I have deeply embraced my new name is the meaning it holds. My name is from the land of my ancestors in India.  Translated literally, it means unstable, chaotic, impatient, naughty, playful and restless.  As I sat with these words, I felt their power rising up within me.

For me, Chanchal is a name that reminds me to embrace my innate rhythms that align with the changing seasons.  It reminds me that my essence might not always be aligned with the norms around me.  In my own attunement, I may appear to be unstable, chaotic and impatient as I question the norms that have been put on the pedestal of stability.  Don’t get me wrong, stability has its place on the spectrum on which it exists with its opposite-instability.   This name ordains an unwillingness to abide by the rules or a naughtiness that gratifies me.  It inspires me to make space for expansion and evolution while welcoming a playful approach to every challenge that comes my way. Most of all, Chanchal reminds me that uncertainty is a power I can learn to use within my ever-changing self and in an ever-changing world.  

In this article, we’ll discuss how uncertainty can be an endless source of evolving power that can replace brittle methods once believed to provide stability and optimal results. 

Here’s what we’ll dive into:

• What is certainty and why it is the source of our burnout and miscommunication

• Cultivating a grounded sense of self and your place in the world instead of controlling or forcing outcomes

• The true essence of uncertainty and how it expands consciousness and improves relationships, creativity, and productivity. 

• How embracing uncertainty makes your life feel more natural, playful, and meaningful

ON CERTAINTY: what’s really making us exhausted to the bones

When you look up the etymology of the word certain, here’s some of the words that come up:

• fixed

• proved

• resolved

• sure

That all sounds great, right? After all, we’re all trained to pursue solutions and resolutions, to be sure of our path and its destination. And yet, is that what we really want? Is this really possible?

To be fixed means we have stopped evolving. We, in essence, are blocked or prevented from going through the natural process of growth and decomposition. We are set in stone. Lifeless. This is the definition of death. It’s exhausting trying to live when we have died to the magic of possibility, evolution, and the nature of life itself. 

Ultimately, when we become sure of something, we close ourselves off to possibilities, and we find ourselves unconsciously reacting to life based on old patterns rather than new circumstances. We are certain we know. We are sure, regardless of new incoming information that might be trying to tell us otherwise.

“The root of suffering is resisting the certainty that no matter what the circumstances, uncertainty is all we truly have.” 

-Pema Chödrön

Life is naturally flowing and changing all the time. We get tired when we struggle to be unmoved in a current and tide that could carry us to unknown destinations without any effort at all. Uncertainty is the natural current of life. All of our planning, analyzing, and projecting can quickly take over our perspective, and the last thing we want is for all that effort to “go to waste.” 

Many of us are bone-exhausted trying to follow paths of security–the secure paycheck, the promised reward, the definitive identity, the predictable day. When we let go of grasping and when we stop avoiding and resisting the reality of uncertainty, we can finally enter a flow state of ease. We learn to respond to every moment with fresh eyes and a beginner’s mind. We ask ourselves what’s possible? What’s different? What can I learn here? How will this help me develop another part of myself? 

We exchange our tight grip on certainty and fall into an easy rhythm that is void of should’s and expectations for all participants. 

“A false sense of security is the only kind there is.”

-Irish Poet

GROUNDED, NOT CERTAIN

So if we can’t be certain of anything, what can we hold onto? Life can’t be all flow. In the yin and yang of a balanced life, we do need structure. Here’s where grounding becomes a crucial practice in a world of uncertainty. 

Grounding is a practice of our inner realm. We do not ground to anything external, which is bound to change in some way or another at any moment. We can be grounded in our own values, inner resources, and the very breath that keeps us alive. Being grounded is not being certain. 

When we are grounded we trust in our own ability to get through whatever situation shows up next. When we’re grounded, we don’t fear the dark because our roots keep us steady as the winds howl all around us and the noise of storms drowns out all other voices. 

Ultimately, grounding is getting real with ourselves, our co-workers, our families and friends. It’s integrity. We show up whole with healthy boundaries, knowing when and how to listen and when and how to speak up. 

THE REALITY AND BENEFITS OF UNCERTAINTY

When we embrace uncertainty we expand our possibilities, engage our imagination, and improve our creativity. We let go of limiting and brittle patterns of certainty in our mind that have become fixed over years of repetition. We think we know, until we realize we don’t know. This can either be incredibly

devastating if we have attached our identity to certain outcomes, or it can be profoundly liberating to know we are not bound to the past or how things used to be.

When uncertainty arrives at our door, moment to moment, we have an opportunity to get curious and imagine something that has never happened for us before. We can imagine a different outcome, a new process, a more thoughtful response. Uncertainty sparks our imagination and opens us to inspiration, whereas certainty closes down our natural relationship to inspiration and innovation.

Ultimately, uncertainty requires us to be creative. When what worked yesterday isn’t working today, we are being summoned by creativity. In an age of algorithms and endless data, our creativity has become dull as we rely on forces outside ourselves to tell us what to do next. Algorithms often keep us trapped in the patterns of the past, rather than helping us move forward with the pure energy of creativity that keeps our vitality alive and well.

“Expectations keep us from noticing and playing with exciting possibilities that always surround us. As long as we insist that things have to be a certain way, we limit our vision. When we let go of our expectations, we live with a greater sense of creativity, curiosity, and possibility.” 

-Susan Jeffers

LIVING A LIFE THAT FEELS GOOD BEFORE IT MIGHT LOOK GOOD

When things are uncertain, we often feel a sense of darkness. Our modern world is terrified of the dark. In reality however, we have built in senses that help us move through the shadow. We can listen, feel, or smell our way through. And so it is with uncertainty–it unlocks unused resources within us. We learn to feel our way through it and develop an ecology of skills that can sustain us through any circumstance or situation.

Our modern culture is obsessed with how things look. We want the numbers to look right. We want to see a certain number in our bank account. We want others to see what house we live in and what boards we sit on. And yet, many of us suffer because even though life may look good on paper, it doesn’t feel good in our hearts. We chase certainty believing it will help us feel good. But it never does. It fixes us in place, and dulls our creativity.

When we surrender to and welcome uncertainty, the fun really begins. We are reminded that we don’t have all the answers–what a relief! Somehow everything becomes less serious, and more sacred and joyful. Each moment becomes a dance that we get to make up as we go along. We develop a natural rhythm that is not rigid and metric. We flow. And it feels absolutely magnificent. 

Real Space: How and Why It Works

If you want to grow your leadership, I would definitely recommend Chanchal’s coaching. Be aware that her approach is not all cognitive as she won’t just talk you through things. Don’t expect an advisor either. Expect real personal development which will impact your leadership because you use yourself to lead.

-Yada Piyajomkwan, Co-founder, Ajaib

THE JOURNEY BEGINS WITH WHOLENESS: YOU ARE NOT A FRAGMENTED BEING

When you decide to enter a leadership journey through Real Space, whether you want to or not, you get to show up as a whole person.  This is not always comfortable. We’re trained to bring only the parts of ourselves that make others feel comfortable to the workplace rather than showing up whole with appropriate boundaries and an ability to respond rather than react. 

When you work with Chanchal, she will work with all of you–especially the parts that you haven’t noticed for maybe years, or even decades. She will see and hear all of you. She will hear the pieces of you that have been ignored that have great potential to help you become the leader you hope to become. 

CULTIVATING RESPONSIBILITY: PUT ASIDE ALL THE EXPERT ADVICE AND SHOULDS

None of us are immune to absorbing the constant barrage of expert advice that promises to help us reach our full potential as humans if we simply follow a linear program supported by all the glimmering data. It’s seductive. And, truth be told, if the expert advice doesn’t produce the desired results, we can point our finger at a faulty program rather than take responsibility ourselves.

Chanchal immediately becomes a mirror for all of your shoulds and misplaced trust. She redirects trust right back to your core center as she reflects back to you the external rules and protocols you adopted somewhere along the way. She gently reminds you again and again to invest in and investigate your own intuition. 

You learn that your intuition is not out of control. Is it wild? Absolutely. And Chanchal will show you how valuable this inner knowing is as you navigate workplace environments that change daily. No algorithm or expert advice can negotiate relationships and solve problems with the elegance of nuance that your instinct can.  

Chanchal will ask you to take responsibility and become curious. Blame isn’t on the table. Possibility is. You’ll learn to have compassion for your own efforts and for those around you. You’ll begin to engage playfully with your colleagues, and show up with a curious perspective.

You know what to do. And Chanchal is here to illuminate how much you already possess and just how valuable that is. 

INDIVIDUALIZED AND INTERDEPENDENT

Chanchal offers keen insight to your own genius–yes, genius is exactly what it is. It is the resident soul present within each person.  It’s each individual's unique way of seeing life. We live in a world ruled by collectivism in a mass culture, where we’re all expected to fall in line and stick with the data. It is all too common for us to divide ourselves into fragments, abandoning our individual gifts and perspective. Again, none of us is immune to this modern phenomena. 

Real Space is about helping each person individualize–to become integrated within once again and devoted to your unique gifts and perspectives. Mass culture cannot foster your genius. It is work you ultimately must do alone, but not in isolation. Working with Chanchal empowers you to do and say what only you could do and say in a given situation with careful consideration of how our individual actions constantly impact the whole. 

Chanchal helps you hold both realities at once: you are an interdependent individual. You have a valuable thread to weave into the tapestry of your workplace and community. Chanchal will give you the tools to begin weaving from the rooted place of soul and imagination. 

ALIGNING THE HEART AND THE HEAD

How do you become a healthy and energized leader who influences others around you in a lasting way?

You use the wisdom of the entire Body, beginning with the heart. Leaders who lead from this place naturally inspire others–which means they spend less time and energy trying to convince people of their vision and strategy. Heart-led leaders naturally possess empathy, compassion, and are genius collaborators. When you’re aligned with purpose, your body will feel satisfied. 

Becoming the leader you want to be means learning how to truly lead from your heart. Leading from the a place of love and expansiveness is a whole body experience. The heart always knows which way to go, and your mind is there to help you and your team make it happen. Step by step, breath by breath, Real Space will help you become the leader only you can become through an embodied and mindful practice. 

There is no advice out there that is more wise than your own inner wisdom. We’ve been trained to look outside ourselves for answers. With Real Space, you’ll re-learn your body’s innate Wisdom to help you navigate your leadership path that will truly transform your organization and community. 

THE WISDOM OF EMBODIMENT

From the very beginning, Chanchal gives people permission to reconnect and listen to their bodies. As she works with leaders, she consistently guides them back to their bodies to get a full understanding of a current situation or a vision for the future. It takes time to unwind and release our grip from the leader we think we’re supposed to be, in order to remember the leader we want to be. 

From the very beginning, Chanchal is listening to the whole person–not just the words coming out of their mouth, but what the whole body is saying. There’s no hiding behind polished and analytical language. It’s the first challenge that Chanchal brings to the table–she actually really sees you and hears you. And she does so with so much compassion and honesty that it feels like a relief to finally come clean–to align what you’re saying with what you’re actually feeling. 

Listening to the body is actually quite simple–too simple for our brains that are attached to complex solutions that we want to put on our resume. When you work with Chanchal, you quickly remember that leadership has less to do with impressing people and much more to do with inspiring, motivating, and influencing people. 

The great poet, Maya Angelou said it best:

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

WHY REAL SPACE WORKS

Real Space leadership begins with a deep inner journey. In order to become a truly authentic leader, you have to throw out all of the advice books and quiet all the linear strategies that promise formulaic success. The process begins with liberation–a great unwinding from the definitions and perspectives you inherited, and have now become invasive and limiting.

Real Space brings you home to your own center, your own wisdom. Real Leaders learn to know their limitations and trust their intuition and capacity for power. 

Real Leadership is rooted in the soils of our own unique and wild experiences. This is not your usual leadership training because you are your own leader from day one when you work in a Real Space environment. Somewhere deep inside you, you already know how to lead–in every situation you find yourself. 

REAL SPACES YOU’LL EXPLORE WITH Chanchal

• EMPOWERMENT

• CONNECTION

• EMBODIED LEADERSHIP

• INCLUSION & BELONGING

• EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

• MINDFULNESS

• BOUNDARIES

Empowerment Is An Inside Job

WHY YOU HAVE TO EMPOWER YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN TRULY EMPOWER OTHERS

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”

-Audre Lorde

You’ve been empowering others for years. And it feels good. You’re constantly handing someone else the microphone, spotlighting another’s contributions, opening doors for those who can’t do it for themselves, and collaborating like a 21st century manager ought to. It feels good. Too good. Good enough to distract you from the deep discomfort that somehow you’re not even close to tapping into your own power.

Power.

Yes, I said it. And maybe you just squirmed a bit when I said it. 

Because power has become an uncomfortable word. Though there are real power inequalities, all of us possess more power than we like to admit. Yes, there are power dynamics that do exist due to gender, race, and other constructs in our society. We often fail to recognize our own power because deep down, it frightens us. Every one of us has power. And yet a lot of us give away our power or bury it away for safekeeping. 

We’re afraid we can’t trust ourselves to hold on to it and use it for good. We’re afraid people will misunderstand us–that they’ll tell us we have no right to power, that we’re not qualified enough. Enough. Enough. Enough. 

We’re afraid of our own power, afraid it just won’t be enough, and so we get busy empowering everyone else. Because that feels nice. Nice. We’d rather be liked than admired. Why is admiration so terrifying to possess? And yet we all want to be admired for showing up whole and fully integrated with a clear vision. 

Curiosity is the great illuminator. Let’s drill down a bit to see what we can find out about admiration. 

Admire: to regard with wonder; be astonished. That’s uncomfortable, right? No one wants to be put on a pedestal.  Hierarchy, creating a vertical perspective and expectations, hasn’t done well for any relationship or community. There is certainly something hypnotically magnetic about someone who has owned their power–they possess a gravity that pulls everyone around them in a rhythm that builds to substantial change. When we put someone on a pedestal, we separate ourselves from them and build a mountain of expectation between us, creating an unobtainable fantasy. However, when we truly admire someone there is a genuine respect that allows for a dynamic and creative relationship to unfold. True admiration doesn’t come from hierarchy, but from an ability to relate and connect to others on a more human level. 

It’s time. It’s time to begin the work of empowering yourself. It’s time to close the books, turn off the podcasts, and go deep within to find your own Inner Mentor. The Wisdom you want and need has always been this close. The world needs you to do the work of this luscious and vital deep dive. We need you to be brave, not perfect. 

Where do you begin? What are the first steps on the road to self-empowerment?

1.TRUST

The first step on any path is always the most difficult. Just getting started takes a lot of energy to shift your direction in the completely opposite way. You’ve been handing out power for years, and it’s no overnight transformation to begin trusting yourself. 

Trusting in yourself is really investing in yourself. When you open up a trust fund, you are in control of who receives your assets and who doesn’t. Begin the road to self-empowerment by identifying your power, and where and how and with whom you want to use it. Not everyone deserves your gifts.

Get clear on what gifts you’ve cultivated and that come naturally to you. Trust in these gifts. Invest in them. 

2.BECOME SOVEREIGN

Sovereignty has nothing to do with isolation. It has everything to do with community, leadership, power, and boundaries. 

Know your boundaries and tend to the talents and interests that have been given to you. Become the ruler of your own inner landscape. What resources do you possess? What is their value? When and why are you willing to go to battle? What are the risks if you do or don’t? What is worth fighting for? 

Being sovereign is knowing your self-worth and “cultivating self-love, self-trust, and a deep commitment to your own worthiness,” as Marisa Goudy writes in The Sovereignty Knot

Goudy’s definition of Sovereignty:

It’s the power to know who you are,

what you want,

and how you want to help people and the planet.

When you own your power, which is rooted in your deepest desires, you help the world heal.

3.NURTURE YOUR INNER MENTOR

I’m often asked who I look up to or who mentored me. I find this question more and more absurd as I’ve come to realize that the best mentor I could ever have is right inside of me. It’s my Inner Mentor. No one else has gone through what I have gone through, and no one else will achieve what I am capable of achieving. My best advice always comes from deep within.

Sometimes my inner mentor shows up as me twenty years in the future, and she tells me what to do in a certain situation to get one step closer to where she is. Sometimes my inner mentor is my child self, and she reminds me to lighten up, to play, and to stop to smell the roses.

Nourish your inner mentor with lots of rest, quiet, and journaling. Writing has a way of opening up our subconscious knowledge. Make time to find out what you didn’t know you already know! The answers are already inside of you.

4.RECOGNIZE THE WISDOM INSIDE

In a culture that devalues intuition and instinct, it’s more vital than ever that we re-value these senses and cease to ignore them. Intuition and instinct live deep within the body–they are not associated with fear or anxiety. When we tap into the Wisdom of our intuition and instinct we are clear and are able to act from a place of discernment, hope, and trust. 

Our conditioned minds often act out of fear based on old patterns that limit our imagination and keep us stuck. Revive your imagination to create new possibilities for yourself. Take the old stories and throw them to the fires of transformation. Allow them to arise from the ash into something no less than magic. 

When you empower yourself, the light you radiate will naturally give life to those around you. Trust in yourself. Invest in yourself. Nourish yourself. And watch the world around you come alive.