The Power of Reclaiming Your Wants and Questioning Norms
“I could not live in any of the worlds offered to me–the world of my parents, the world of war, the world of politics. I had to create a world of my own, like a climate, a country, an atmosphere in which I could breathe, reign, and recreate myself when destroyed by the living.”
-Anaïs Nin
It’s never been easy for anyone to risk separation from their family or community of any kind. And yet, it’s always been crucial for each and every individual to discover their unique and innate gifts in order to share with the world what only they can share. It’s never been easy to be weird–the person who goes against the grain and does something authentic.
The word weird comes from the Old English wyrd, meaning “having power to control fate.” When we begin to re-acquaint ourselves with our inner genius, our souls, we very well might become weird to the world, but we reclaim our power to determine our own destiny and fate. Becoming weird could possibly be one of the most important journeys you’ll ever take.
What truly matters to you? Is it a promotion? Or is it more autonomy and time with loved ones? What is your definition and hope for success?
In this article we’ll discuss:
• The costs of questioning norms and following the beat of your own drum
• The nature of personal growth within a greater community
• The current state of our collective nervous system and how to steady your own pulse
• How to define and claim your own wants, desires, and autonomy
THE COST OF QUESTIONING NORMS AND FOLLOWING THE BEAT OF YOUR OWN DRUM
Why is it so difficult to pull away from the inertia of the catchy tune of our modern culture? Because we know what the costs could be. Doing our own thing could compromise relationships, our health, and our sense of belonging. We don’t take becoming weird lightly. But if we approach this journey step by step, making one change, setting one boundary at a time, it’s more than possible to begin questioning norms and freeing ourself from the world’s ordinary definition of success.
It’s incredibly stressful to begin dancing to your own beat–to speak up and show up in ways that are authentic, but definitely different and maybe even controversial. It’s stressful to be different. And yet, it’s essential to our survival that we are authentic. When we consistently suppress our true feelings, wants, and desires, we become depressed. What’s not expressed is depressed. This affects our physical, mental, and spiritual health.
The sad reality for most of us is that in order to survive, in order to be accepted into our families and communities, we had to conform. Let go of any self-judgment that might shame you for doing your best with very limited circumstances.
There will be costs to questioning norms. So please take care as you decide when and how to begin this journey. Stress can take its toll quickly and subtly. Rather than making 180-degree changes over night, we recommend taking small but meaningful steps that don’t push you beyond a 15% increase in stress. A little stress is okay and balanced with ease can bring about growth. Extreme or chronic stress however, is all too common, and keeps us from becoming our authentic selves due to fatigue and shock. Keep your nervous system in a healthy state that allows you to react and respond in appropriate ways and times.
THE NATURE OF PERSONAL GROWTH IN A GREATER COMMUNITY
For some of us, questioning norms might be so costly that it puts us in a social deficit. Recognize that questioning or challenging norms can be done internally and/or externally. Not everyone has to know about every norm you are challenging. It’s up to each of us to decide if we have enough in the tank to speak up, and it’s up to each of us to have discernment about what to speak up about. It’s not a linear process and there are no instructions. Your list won’t look like anyone else’s; and it might not even be logical. Only you will know what feels right and what doesn’t. Preserve your energy. This is about endurance- a marathon rather than a sprint. Your empowerment at every step will serve your longevity.
Know that speaking up may not get us to where we want to be in our lifetime. The pursuit of change must be more valuable than the outcome of change. This is what will enable future generations to have more ground to stand on than we did. It can be challenging to consider the ‘we’ when the ‘I’ is threatened.
This is why inclusion efforts are absolutely essential. When you’re already an outsider in many of your circles, it can cause great distress to try to outwardly question norms. It’s up to all of us to create space for ourselves and others to show up exactly as we and they are. We want everyone’s weird/wyrd to show up to the party. The first step toward this is to welcome your own weird internally. Take care not to push yourself to begin questioning everything all at once. One step, one day at a time will add up faster than you realize.
Once you begin to speak up in those circumstances that feel right for you, remember to imagine positive outcomes in addition to those who you might disappoint. It’s sometimes easier for us to imagine the disappointments, but there will also be those in the room who will reinforce our efforts and give us strength to keep going. Focus on the people who open up to your authenticity.
“I realized I was more convincing to myself and to the people who were listening when I actually said what I thought, versus what I thought people wanted to hear me say.”
-Ursula Burns
THE CURRENT STATE OF OUR COLLECTIVE NERVOUS SYSTEM AND HOW TO STEADY OUR OWN PULSE
Many people in our culture have not only personal traumas related to culture, race, gender or ethnicity, but have also inherited intergenerational trauma. Our collective nervous system is in a fragile state that affects many things including:
Sense of self, identity
Communication patterns
Relationships with family members and romantic partners
Parenting styles
Ability to work, create, and relate
Overall mental health and well-being
We inherit our biological mother’s stress response. How we deal with stress depends a lot on how we were taught to deal with it. Unfortunately, it’s all too common that many of us learned to repress our emotions and true feelings because we had one or two caregivers who weren’t taught how to deal with stress themselves. No wonder we’re all on edge, and civil discourse seems to only have existed in fairy tales long ago.
We’re collectively enmeshed and codependent. We all have differing levels of this, but on some level, we’re enmeshed with people we love and/or this culture we live in. If we’re going to regulate our own nervous systems, we have to learn to separate ourselves and set boundaries. What feels invigorating and empowering for some people, won’t do the same for us. We have to let go of the “You’re happy, I’m happy” mentality we inherited from previous generations.
How do we begin to detangle from enmeshment and codependency?
Reconnect to the wisdom of your body as you begin to question norms. Ask yourself how you’re feeling, not what you’re thinking. Begin to discern the difference between thoughts and feelings. Ask others how they’re feeling. Remind yourself and others around you to check in with the physical sensations they’re experiencing as you make small, but authentic changes.
We hear it all the time, and for good reason: take a few deep breaths and check in with what you’re feeling in your body. Try not to get wrapped up in the usual stories you tell yourself. Simply focus on the feeling. Allow it to be there. Sit with it. Ask it what it needs and wants. Most of the time, it just wants to be noticed and acknowledged. It will free itself as it feels acknowledged and heard by us.
HOW TO DEFINE AND CLAIM YOUR OWN WANTS, DESIRES, AND AUTONOMY
“If I didn’t define myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies of me and eaten alive.”
-Audre Lorde
Pause. Take a breath. Feel it in your body. For so long, we thought we knew what we wanted until we didn’t. We’re exhausted. Disappointed. Lonely. Stuck. Unsatisfied. The world tells us that we want promotions, progress, titles, and even leadership. And yet, if we pause, breathe, and feel, we start to remember our essence and the things we truly want:
Autonomy
Trust
Time with loved ones and in nature
Rhythm and cycles–including cycles of rest and unraveling
Wonder and romance with existence
A sandwich with homemade bread
Watching the sunrise without feeling anxiety about the rest of the day
Art and creativity
More sleep and home cooked meals
PRACTICE WANTING
It seems so easy to know what we want. It’s not always as easy as we think it should be–especially when we’ve been told to want what everybody else supposedly wants for us for all of our lives. Wanting is a practice. And it begins with our bodies.
Try it. Yes, now. Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths with your diaphragm–in through your nose and out through your mouth. What does your body want? Where does it want it? What feels tired? What feels stuck? What feels tender?
What could you do in this moment to bring love and energy to this place? Here are some simple but profound ways to tend to your wants and your body:
Take a 15 minute walk, noticing the way the trees respond to the wind
Close your eyes for 5-10 minutes and visualize an ideal moment in the future
Slowly drink a glass of water and feel it replenishing and cleansing your body
I remember one of my coaches challenged me to go to an ice cream shop and pick whatever flavor I wanted. Not the flavor that I was supposed to want for whatever reasons–the healthier choice, the more interesting choice, the more “grown-up” choice. Just pick whatever flavor you want as a practice! What a concept!
Stop explaining your wants. You don’t have to justify them to anyone. Simply want what you want and trust it, and watch how others begin to trust you more and more.
Wanting brings joy and satisfaction to our lives when we learn how to practice it daily, in every moment. Trust others to take care of their own wants rather than focusing on the disappointment they may feel about your desires. Without this trust, we end up as the poster child for codependency and enmeshment: You’re happy; I’m happy. The place where I end and you begin is important to acknowledge. It’s a boundary. It’s what allows each of us the freedom to be who we really are. We empower not only ourselves but others when we are confident in our wants and express them freely. We give others permission to do the same for themselves.
