Why Compassion For Ourselves and Others Is Essential For Real Leadership
“When we relate to ourselves with tender self-compassion, we care for and nurture ourselves. When we relate to ourselves with fierce self-compassion, we assert our autonomy and stand up for our rights.”
-Kristin Neff, Fierce Self-Compassion
Compassion isn’t always what we think it is. It’s deeper and far more sweet than simply being nice or good, and it can be far more fierce than we realize. Compassion doesn’t always feel good, nor is it always about pain and suffering. Compassion asks us to move beyond the performance of nice, and boldly step into our authenticity as living, breathing humans with a whole library of emotions and experiences. As real leaders, compassion is absolutely central to our ability to influence and grow.
In this article, we’ll discuss:
The difference between nice and kind
Why self-compassion must come first
How compassion frees us from “right” and “wrong” thinking
The joyful side of compassion
The nature and power of fierce compassion
How to introduce a Self-Compassion practice for leaders
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NICE AND KIND
“If kindness has falseness at its base, it is no longer kindness. It is labored courtesy.”
-Pierro Ferrucci, The Power of Kindness
Many of us are well-trained people pleasers. Of course we are. We were taught to avoid conflict and not ruffle any feathers. We were groomed to be ‘nice’ and were rewarded for saying what we thought others wanted to hear from us rather than speaking our truth. On the other hand, we’ve all experienced how refreshing it is to be in conversation with someone who speaks their truth while simultaneously respecting all others in the group. They are kind. They listen. And we know exactly where they stand. There’s no guessing. It’s clear. And it feels good, easy, and energizing.
Being nice can be exhausting. It often feels like a performance that requires effort as we try to guess what the other person wants from us based on our past experiences. We’re trying our best with what tools we’ve been given. The good news is that we can stop assuming and taking responsibility for another person’s ability to be ok with who we are. We can find compassion for ourselves and our needs when we engage with others. We can ask for what we need and what we want. We can tell the truth–this is kindness.
Kindness is rooted in truth-telling. Thank goodness it has nothing to do with politeness, manners, or social norms. Kindness allows for imperfection and uncertainty. Kindness is a sister to compassion. They both accept our humanity, our failures as well as our wins. Where niceness is rooted in fear with barriers to authenticity, kindness surrenders perfection and opens the door for vulnerability, acceptance, and collaboration.
WHY SELF-COMPASSION MUST COME FIRST
“The more you Nurture yourself, the more you’ll find you’re living from your future self—the best of who you are.”
-Tara Brach, Radical Compassion
Self-compassion is one of the first things I speak about with many of my clients. We live in a culture that is constantly pushing us to do more and be better–for others. The result of this is that many of us live in a place of ‘not enoughness’. We are never satisfied with our work and are constantly striving for more and better. While we might believe that this perfectionistic way of being keeps us from being complacent, research shows quite the opposite.
This lack of grace for ourselves and lack of self-compassion actually creates rigidity and stalls growth. It is challenging (or perhaps impossible) to get ‘unstuck’ when what we are doing and being is never enough. Self-compassion does not lower our standards or ‘take us off the hook’ for our goals. On the contrary, it soothes the feelings of inadequacy and frees up the energy needed to move forward with new learning toward growth and the goals we have set for ourself.
Self-compassion is as important and nourishing as sleep. Rest rejuvenates the body and prepares it for another day of work and play. Self-compassion revives the mind and nervous system to take on fresh perspectives and new insights as it builds resilience. It’s a tool that is important to learn early on if we want to reach higher and higher levels of growth and even achievement.
Compassion can often seem easier to give to others than it is to give ourselves. Is it really possible to have true compassion for others if we cannot give it to ourselves? If we hold ourselves to impossible standards, how will we ever liberate ourselves from the tyranny of perfection? Just like it’s easier to fix other people’s problems rather than our own, it’s easier to try to show compassion to others who struggle just like we do.
And yet, compassion for others without self-compassion is merely saviorism and niceness. Somewhere subconsciously we believe that others are allowed to fail, but somehow we are meant for perfection, and anything less is unacceptable. While our intentions may be to support others, holding ourselves at a higher standard than we do others can be a form of superiority.
The ability to have self-compassion creates safety in interpersonal relationships: I can be me; you can be you. Each person becomes responsible for themselves, and no one is trying to manipulate outcomes by playing the role of a ‘nice person’. Self-compassion creates a boundary that allows for authentic connection. When that boundary is not there, a toxic enmeshment begins to form. We begin wondering what the other person thinks about us–the boundary has dissolved. In an effort to be liked and belong, we begin to think ‘If you are ok, I’m ok’ and ‘If you are not ok, I’m not ok’. This kind of thinking and behavior are the tell-tale signs of a codependent relationship.
Self-compassion comes when we spend more time with ourselves, and allow our whole self to show up. We listen to ourselves–every bit. And we listen with our hearts into the feelings we are avoiding, rather than getting caught up in the stories of the mind. We sit with the feeling–the suffering, the joy, and everything in between.
HOW COMPASSION FREES US FROM “RIGHT” AND “WRONG” THINKING
“When you feel lacking or unworthy you often overcompensate with hyperbolic effort and glorified grind.”
-Octavia Raheem, author of Pause, Rest, Be
As I’ve traveled the world, I’ve started to notice that there are many cultures who aren’t as concerned as we are with being a “good” person. What does that even mean? We are a vigilant culture, desperate to prove our worthiness. This wounded desire to be “good” puts us in a constant state of judgment. Was that experience good or bad? Did I do something wrong to deserve this? What can I do more right to get the life I want?
Compassion frees us from right-and-wrong, black-and-white thinking. Compassion reminds us that we are all human. We all fall short of our expectations. Things rarely turn out how we planned. Self-compassion allows us to take responsibility for our actions while also recognizing that we live in a world of uncertainty. We can take responsibility for our feelings while recognizing that feelings aren’t our fault. Of course we feel sad when we don’t get the promotion we wanted. Of course we feel frustrated when our partner isn’t listening. Of course we eat for emotional comfort from time to time. Of course.
Many of us get caught in the exhausting need to be right. We want to prove how good we are. And yet, compassion cannot be put on a report card or a resume. How much easier would life be if we simply admitted to being human?
THE JOYFUL SIDE OF COMPASSION
We often only associate compassion with moments of suffering and disappointment. However, compassion is so much bigger than that. Compassion is simply having the ability to feel what you or someone else is feeling and act on it. Compassion is feeling. As we get older, it’s common to stop celebrating ourselves–we don’t allow ourselves to fully feel the joy of reaching a goal or taking a big leap. Compassion is just as much about exuberance as it is about sorrow and grief.
Allow yourself to feel joy, satisfaction, pleasure, and ease. The more we allow ourselves to feel these things, the better we’ll be able to experience them with others. People want to be celebrated and noticed. We want to share all pieces of our lives with each other. It’s human to be joyful, and to remember that we get to experience all of this!
Our joy is rooted in our darkness. And our darkness is rooted in our joy. We need both. Cycles of sadness and apathy build depth and color–without it, life is just pink, not a full spectrum rainbow. Let life happen to you. All of it. Because nothing is forever.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Only press on: no feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself be cut off from me.
Nearby is the country
known as Life.
-Rainer Maria Rilke
One of the most compassionate gifts we can give ourselves is time to feel. Time to feel angry. Time to feel disappointment. Time to feel relief. Time to feel connected with nature and loved ones. Compassion is sweet. Allow yourself to fully experience being alive. It’s totally natural to feel frustrated, that life isn’t fair, that some days are just too much.
Find ways to bring yourself more grace. We are living in a culture that asks us to live unnaturally and inauthentically–we’re often expected to speed through life without feeling a thing. We’re expected to live only in our logical minds when we are so much more than that. We’re all doing our best with what we’ve been given. Find time to slow down for the joy to marinate in your bones. Give yourself permission to let your excitement rise beyond the surface of your skin and bring you much needed energy.
Celebrate yourself. Especially the small things. We’ve all heard of gratitude journals. What about starting a joy journal? A journal to celebrate yourself and the things you love and have accomplished? Try it, and let me know how it goes.
THE NATURE AND POWER OF FIERCE COMPASSION
Compassion is more than care and tenderness. It is certainly soft and loving and feels like a warm embrace. And, it is so much more. Self-compassion expert, Kristin Neff, illuminates the yin and yang nature of compassion. Most of us think of the yin side of compassion that entails a loving, connected presence that allows us to embrace our pain with kindness. However, Neff articulates that:
The yang quality of self-compassion is associated with acting in the world to alleviate suffering. It looks different depending on the action required, but tends to involve protecting, providing for, or motivating ourselves. The dynamic energy of compassion is metaphorically like a Momma Bear who ferociously protects her cubs when threatened, or catches fish to feed them, or leaves a territory where the resources have been depleted to find a new home with more to offer.
Just as tenderness can be turned inward, the fierce energy of Momma Bear can also be turned inward. We can stand up for and protect ourselves, we can nourish and provide for ourselves, and we can motivate the changes necessary to thrive.
When we understand and practice fierce compassion, we “embody brave, empower, clarity” Neff says. Self-compassion is about nourishing ourselves and providing ourselves with the best possible circumstances and environment to succeed.
Compassion is never weak, never passive. Compassion is bold action. It takes bravery to sit in kindness with our own pain. It takes courage to ask for what we need with clarity and boldness. And yet, compassion always energizes us. It frees us to be real. Compassion is a lifelong practice for real leaders.
THE PRACTICE
Practicing Self-compassion daily not only lowers levels of anxiety while improving overall well-being, it increases our ability to be resilient and learn and improve from our mistakes. There are numerous benefits to such a practice. Consider this an invitation into the practice.
Kristen Neff has made this practice easy and accessible in three simple steps:
Before beginning this practice, notice what is going on in your body and where. Is there a tightness in your belly? Are your shoulders higher than they need to be? Is your jaw clenched? Take note of any sensations you feel and then begin the practice.
Acknowledge the pain or challenge you are facing. Really get to the heart of it. You will know when you have done this because you will feel a slight release as you allow yourself to be seen by you in your pain or challenge. For example, you might say to yourself ‘It feels really hard to be at this level of leadership and not have a clear answer to this problem’ After this acknowledgment, take a deep breath.
Acknowledge the common humanity of the experience you are having. Recognize that the feeling you are experiencing is a part of the human experience. This is not to diminish your experience, it is to remind you that you are not alone in it. Following the example from above, you might say to yourself ‘I’m sure there are many leaders in this position who feel this way. I’m not alone’
Give yourself some gentle kindness as you would give a dear friend going through a similar situation. A gentle touch can be really helpful here. For example, you might put your hand over your heart and say to yourself ‘It’s ok, I got you. We’ll get through this together.’
You are showing up for yourself as you would show up for a good friend.
As you do this practice, notice how your feelings shift. Notice what happens in your body. Are your shoulders more relaxed? Do you feel the same tension or is there a new softness present? Take note of any differences or lack of change that you notice. Continue this practice and overtime you will begin to notice slight and maybe even considerable shifts. I would love to hear about them.
